In the runup to my vacation in two weeks, I was trolling the ‘net looking for decent Staycation ideas. Obviously Google is first on the list; indeed several thousands of hits come up using that term. Only, I also realized that precious few of them fit my personality.

One of the better lists I’ve found (for the normal person) was Better Homes and Garden’s 25 Ideas for a Staycation. After blipping through a few, your average Geek would have to make both major and minor changes to make them palatable.

I’m not going to hit all 25 as a few of them are fairly pedestrian (”go fly a kite!”).

“Turn Your Home Into a Spa!”

Not only am I a bit of a technophile, I married an RN/gamer chick/geek/sci-fi fan. Whereas you can get an idea of the sort of person she is that would marry (williingly) a person of my talents demeanor, what might not be apparent is that she’s also really into all natural cosmetics, toiletries, cleaning supplies, etc. Frankly, and hoping that I am not relaying too much TMI here, I nearly cannot tell the difference between my bathroom and the pantry. Both are full of enough honey, lemon juice, Neem oil (?), herbs, fragrances, potions, seeds and otherwise “natural” stuff that I’m pretty convinced I could whip up a fairly decent salad dressing or two while showering. Turning my home into a day spa isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a threat.

“Throw a Simple Cocktail Party!”

Simple? Maybe. But neither of us are drinkers in any appreciable respect; alcohol use decreases your kill count in Call of Duty: World at War. Of the few bottles of liquor I have at the house, most are older than my children, and are only brought out times like the following…

“Host a Girl’s Night In!”

My wife’s friends would be the group to show up. Therefore, I would have to leave. I thought the point of this was to stay…? They are good for a laugh, though; just need to keep bail money on hand (”what is it with nurses?”).

“Transform Your Home into an Island Retreat!”

Not too bad of an idea, but deserted islands have a distinct lack of 3G and broadband access. Beyond that, I think this is a perfectly reasonable suggestion to bring in some nice greenery, decorate with towels, get sand in places that you forgot you had, get sunburned, and pay far too much at nearby restaurants. Ever seen me in a bathing suit after most of the year tanning in front of several monitors in a darkly lit computer cave? “You’re welcome.”

Otherwise I’m good to go.

“Plant a Family Garden!”

Been there. Did that. Back hurts from planting, that’s why I need a vacation.

“Have Fun with Felt Crafts!”

Change the felt with Modder’s mesh and Arduino boards and we’re onto something. Seriously, can you see me with a pair of pinking shears and a bottle of glitter?

“Plan a TV Night!”

Why? We don’t watch a lot of TV in the traditional sense. Although the boob tube might be “on” for ambient noise occasionally, we’re on the net a lot. If we do sit down in front of the TV, it’s more likely to be a DVD than anything else. More seriously, though, too many Americans waste away our lives in front of the idiot box as it is; “getting away” by doing the same thing seems a bit of a waste to me.

“Have a Hawaiian Night!”

“Oh dear Lord, I pray that you take this cup away from me…” especially the $425 of expense for the six types of rum needed to create those freaky tiki drinks in the totem-style mugs with the umbrellas and grass clippings with which they are adorned. Another item to be avoided: Poi. Long considered a staple in Luau fare, it is frankly impossible to eat in dignity the presence of others holding certain views of decency (some call them “spoons”); anything that comes back up unchanged in appearance after a few too many tiki drinks is something to be avoided.

“Create an Outdoor Oasis!”

Here’s one that isn’t too difficult. Every year my pipes freeze no matter how dilligently I drain my outdoor spigot lines before winter ,and with the first plantings (and hence, the use of the hose) my back yard turns into a mudpit that is collecting small animals, insects, quadrapeds and gas-meter readers that will eventually be the fodder for archeologists in future epochs (”Look at this Flemming… a fully articulated Homo Scribinae Benzinosae!”). Along with the basement seepage this also creates, further wildlife tends to collect nearby that makes the Oasis comparison nearly complete. Were the water damage people to arrive on camelback, I’d dress in a bunch of bedsheets and play Lawrence of Suburbia.

OK, enough with the griping. Part Deux is forthcoming: Actual decent recommendations for a Geek Staycation.